Impostor syndrome or scientific humility: choose your own adventure

Impostor syndrome is the chronic illness of academia. I guess each profession has its Thing. I’ve heard that in the medical field, doctors in training go through “medical student disease” —a type of hypochondria where the trainees become convinced that they have symptoms of every horrible disease they are studying in the first year of medical school.

In academia, impostor syndrome is the feeling of inadequacy and "not-belonginess" in spite of overwhelming evidence that you are part of the club. It’s something a lot of first-year Ph. D. students joke about. Well, I say joke, but what I mean is that a lot of people experience it and talk about it, a lot of people experience it and don’t talk about it, and some people hear about it until they begin to experience it.

Many people navigate their science careers while feeling like the famous trope: a bunch of kids standing on each other’s shoulders wearing a comical trench coat and trying to sneak into a movie they aren’t supposed to be seeing.

What does impostor syndrome look like underneath the trench or lab coat?

"Many people navigate their science careers while feeling like the famous trope: a bunch of kids standing on each other’s shoulders wearing a comical trench coat and trying to sneak into a movie they aren’t supposed to be seeing."

-- Anny Gano

In a graduate student, symptoms of impostor syndrome may include things like bragging about how little sleep you get, how many weekends you work and how many sunrises you have seen from a lab window. Maybe another symptom is bringing up how much you love science in your personal life and making every social media account be about some twist on your work. Sometimes sending all these signals, declaring “Look at me, I am definitely a scientist and I belong here,” helps graduate students feel as if they belong, especially in the early years when tangible milestones haven’t happened yet. It also helps bolster enthusiasm for the thing we love (science) when it’s not treating us very well and we need a little cheering up to keep us going.

Later on, as the disease progresses and accomplishments accumulate, impostor syndrome may take another form. “I only got this far by luck,” or “when will they all realize I suck and kick me out?” or perhaps, “I got a perfect pass on my qualifying exams but I bet I will absolutely bomb my next test.”

In a post-doc, symptoms of impostor syndrome may include things like desperately trying to show your new lab that you have something worthy to offer and staying up too late wondering whether you can find success again (or for the first time) in a new place or whether everything up until now was just a fluke. Maybe another symptom is procrastinating on your first grant because you are afraid that someone will realize you have no original ideas and don’t know how to "science" well at all.

In a new faculty member, symptoms of impostor syndrome may include feeling irritable and desperate and being nervous before your first lab meeting about whether you are fit to lead new scholars into the fray. Or maybe wondering whether the study section that slayed your grant is right and you should pack up and start a dog grooming business instead. Sometimes new PIs can be negative about other people, in an effort to make themselves feel better by contrast, forgetting that a rising tide lifts all boats.

"However, please remember that you are also more than a pile of rats in a lab coat and the key to your success remains inside you – it belongs to you and you can take it with you wherever you go."

-- Anny Gano

So far, I have been fortunate to have a sort of unicorn experience in academia. In graduate school, I had an incredibly supportive mentor who helped me develop many skills and treated me with kindness and respect. I also had mentorship from others in my lab and department who gave me additional perspectives, opportunities and support. I was valued and given a top-quality scientific education and managed to move on to a prestigious post-doc position with my mental health intact after the grueling Ph.D. process. And yet, I’ve definitely experienced some of the symptoms described above (hello bragging about night-time lab work in my first year, I cringe remembering).

I always thought that, for me, these things stemmed more from the proper humility a scientist should feel when given the privilege of working on complex issues with experts in the field. Even when science did not go my way (and let’s face it, no unicorn is immune to that problem!), I have always been able to separate these failures from myself as a person and continue fighting. I, like others, have also had times when I felt out of my depth or lacking in confidence. However, my focus on maintaining a perspective of scientific humility helped with these feelings instead of hamstringing me with feelings of impostor inadequacy. I reminded myself that the challenges I undertook were very real and complex and making mistakes while working on them was part of the process. I also trusted in others around me – if they believed in me enough to help me work out my scientific quandaries, who was I to overlook their years of expertise in shepherding young scientists through their education? Overall, I think this perspective has served me well during my training.

So imagine my surprise when I saw a friend post a link to the Clance Impostor Phenomenon Test, took it out of curiosity, and discovered that, based on my symptoms, I was not as syndrome-free as I thought I was. This got me thinking and reading more about impostor syndrome. Since my beat for this blog is focused mostly on resources and the academic lifestyle, I want to share a little bit of what I have found and learned.

After watching a few TED talks describing the phenomenon and some that discuss turning impostor syndrome into a strength, as well as reading some modern literature on the topic, I think I have figured out how I am going to continue to deal with this for myself. The important lessons that I have learned are as follows:

1) Everyone feels this way sometimes when they’re doing Big Things, things that challenge them and drive them forward. Impostor syndrome does not spare any rank or grouping of people; it’s something we are all going through together. This sentiment is echoed in every talk I listened to, which is especially inspiring and comforting coming from successful leaders in the field. If you are such a person, please be open about your process. It helps the rest of us immensely! If you aren’t there yet, remember the feelings you have now and, when it’s your turn, be a resource for others.

 2) I think the most valuable insight I gleaned is that the distinction I drew for myself between humility and impostor syndrome can be a useful one. The key is, as always, finding balance. Feeling a little bit of impostor syndrome can be okay if it drives you to work hard. However, please remember that you are also more than a pile of rats in a lab coat and the key to your success remains inside you – it belongs to you and you can take it with you wherever you go. Sure, some luck may help you along the way, but finding luck and capitalizing on it takes some non-impostor skills, as well.

 3) It’s all about perspective. It may be impossible to do away with impostor syndrome completely, so make it something you are comfortable with and something you can use to your advantage. Use it as inspiration, reframe it as humility and respect for your profession and colleagues, or help someone else that’s going through it. Sometimes spreading kindness and support is the best way to get some for yourself, as well.